Let them eat (expired) Cupcakes!

So last week I ate 15 cupcakes and about a cup of icing!  Why you ask?  For the simple reason that I thought it was better if I poison myself than 21 of my son’s school friends.  I mean, I didn’t want to be THAT mom!!

It all started with me organising the teacher’s birthday party.  In addition to actually co-ordinating all the practicalities involved in a class party, I still felt the need to bake and ice 22 cupcakes - mmyself!! I mean as a working mother, class rep, part-time policeman, negotiator, wife and cook, it seemed only fitting to add a baker’s hat into the mix!  So 22 cupcakes it was!

They were perfect cupcakes I tell you.  Huge, fluffy, perfectly round (cupcakes guys…. Focus!) and just begging to be eaten.  So once they were nicely cooled, I began icing and that’s where it all went wrong!  I first iced 13 cupcakes blue for the boys and then proceeded to mix some pink icing for the girls.  Only a drop of colouring splashed out the bottle, so no worries, I poured some from another – again, just a drop!  Scratching around in my “food colouring Tupperware”, I found yet another “red” bottle, so threw in a dash of that.  PERFECT!

Once all 8 girly cupcakes were done, I started tidying up and that’s when I saw it.  In tiny writing on the lid of one of the food colouring bottles: Best Before March 2008!  Ai, one of the bottles had expired, so I checked the others…. One was Best Before January 2009, one was Best Before mid 2005 and then the champion of champions (the one I used the most of) was Best Before MARCH 2003! My 22 perfect cupcakes were no longer perfect!

So naturally I Googled “expired food colouring + poisonous” and all references indicated that it was ok to use food colouring that was expired.  But, me being, well, me… I couldn't just trust Google.  So I ate some icing myself, then some more and then some more.  I figured if there WAS something wrong with it, I’d know by the morning.  But since I weigh slightly more than the average 5 yr old, I decided that my kids needed to be part of the “expired food colouring” experiment as well.  So they each got a spoon of icing!  So for the next few hours, each time I past the bowl of icing, I ate some – purely for scientific purposes!

Now at this point you might be thinking why I didn’t just scrap it off and start again.  Well for starters I didn’t have any more icing sugar and even if I did, my food colouring was expired.  Plus there was no way I was getting into my car and driving the 5 mins to the shop to buy more!  After 6pm, I’m in my p.j’s and I’d rather poison myself with expired icing sugar than have to change, get into my car and go to the shops! 

Anyway, the kids and I woke up fine the next day, so I figured I’d chance it and serve my expired cupcakes!  Naturally I wasn’t going to advertise my mishap – I mean really.  We all know how moms like to gossip while standing under the trees waiting for their offspring and this tit bit would be just too juicy a story not to share with a bunch of well-heeled gossip mongers. 

So the cupcakes took pride of place on the centre of the party table and I left for work!  But half-way through the day my “mommy conscience” got the better of me and I phoned the teacher to tell her not to eat the cupcakes!  CRAZY MOM alert!

Naturally the teacher didn’t answer her phone during class time… so I jumped into my car and raced to the school!  CRAZY MOM alert!  I must have done something really good in my previous life because as luck would have it, they hadn’t eaten the cupcakes yet – not 1!  22 perfectly expired cupcakes still sat in the centre of the party table! 

So I took them…. Once I knew I had my tainted merchandise in my possession, I was happy to tell some of my mommy friends the cupcake saga!  Naturally they all said expired food colouring was fine and that I should have left the cupcakes for the kids to eat – BUT, I can bet all 22 expired cupcakes that they’d be singing a different tune had their kids eaten the things and got the squirts, or worse! 

So what was I to do with 22 perfectly decorated (if somewhat questionable)cupcakes? One friend suggested I give them to her, she’d feed them to her pigs. 

I had a better idea…. I bought my weekly fix (YOU mag and Savannahs) and with a cupcake (or 15) in hand…. proceeded to enjoy the weekend, one cupcake at a time!

Inspirational Living

I read a fascinating article recently on a speech that Steve Jobs (founder of Apple) gave at Stanford University in 2005 at a graduation ceremony.  The article entitled “Connect the dots and live to the fullest” was an edited version of that speech.  Now I have read countless “self-help” books, inspirational books and philosophical books about the secret to happiness, reaching your potential, living in the moment and achieving your goals.  Because let’s face it how many of us are truly truly happy?  How many of us are doing exactly what we were meant to be doing?  How many of us wake up thinking there must be “more” to life, but don’t quite know what that “more” is? Anyway, back to Steve (It seems as if “Steve’s” are featuring strongly in my life this year!)

I read this article and had what Oprah would have described as an “Aha moment”!  Without going in to too much detail (although I would highly recommend everyone read this article), Steve Jobs read a quote when he was 17 that went along the lines of “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.”  This quote made such an impression on him that he now regularly asks himself “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do?”  He goes on to say that when the answer to that question is “no” for too many days in a row, then he knows he needs to change something! 

Some might find this a morbid thought – living each day as if it’s your last.  It’s also such a cliché when one thinks about it, it’s something “everyone” says we must do, but how many of us do it? For me, I think it is the way in which Steve has changed the “live each day as if it was your last” to more of a question that you ask yourself “If this were the last day of my life…..” and for me, that’s the difference!!  You’re given a choice – you decide if this IS what you’d like to be doing if it was your last day on earth.  It puts the responsibility back in your own court, once again, reiterating that you decide how you want to live your life/respond to people/choose to act/feel etc. 

Where I am right now (work wise), my answer to Steve’s question would be a resounding NO!  In fact it’s been “no” for more than just a few “too many days”.  If I were to be hit by a bus tonight, I’d be devastated to think that this is how I spent my last day on earth!  I know this isn’t what I was meant to do!  Yet, this is what I do day after day!  WHY?  …. and that’s where the difficulty comes in!

It’s not so easy to just wake up and decide that this isn’t how you’d like to spend your last day and make a life-changing decision that usually not only affects you, but potentially others as well.  But then again, is there ever a “right time” to make a life changing decision?  All the books say “DO IT”, the net will appear… it will all work out… etc etc.  BUT those authors aren’t responsible for your child’s school fees, your phone account and the payment of other essential bills!!  So what does one do?  Take a chance, not take a chance?  Do you leap and trust that the net will appear or do you sit tight because “it’s comfortable and safe”. 

I think there’s a third option that gives one the best of both worlds – leaping, taking a chance, BUT with a plan in place!  That’s not to say that your plan must roll over and over for the next 10 yrs and you end up staying in the same place anyway… NO, I’m saying, make a decision (put a time limit to it if necessary) and then put plans in place to go for it!  Yes, you’ll still be taking a chance (things might NOT work out), but there’ll at least be some preparation on your side. 

Oprah says there is no such thing as “luck”, it’s simply hard work meeting opportunity and I think THAT’S the key.  There must be some effort on your part BUT when an opportunity arises (in whatever form) you also need to take that leap of faith and trust that it will all work out!  So it’s a combo deal… put in some work, but keep the blinkers open for signs (or Omens as Paulo Coelho so eloquently uses in his amazing book “The Alchemist”) and then seize those opportunities, which may involve risks, but hey, as the old adage goes “nothing ventured, nothing gained”!!

So, I’m going to be my own experiment!  I’ve always been a big believer in “The Secret” and the principle that like attracts like and what you put out there, you’ll get back.  BUT I never really put it into practise – in theory, I believe that you can achieve what you believe, but have never done it myself.  I’ve read wonderful stories about people who created vision boards and then one day found themselves living the exact life they had created on their vision boards!  In all this time, I’ve thought WOW, that’s amazing, I must do that, I really believe that….. but I have never done it! 

One of my favourite books of all times is “The Alchemist", a fabulous book about following omens and going after your destiny!  Now for some reason, the “omens” have been very strong for me the last few days, so much so, that I have now written them down because CLEARLY the universe is trying to tell me something……… So for once I am listening!

So, I plan on “publically” putting all that I have read into practise and starting a blog (perhaps more of a diary) on finding that “something more” that’s missing!  So no more hanging around waiting for things to happen, I’m going to make them happen – with the added pressure of documenting it all for the world (hopefully) to see!

My blog is currently under construction, but aims to not only document me finding that something “more” but hopefully inspire others to find their “something more” too!

Here’s to INSPIRATIONAL LIVING!

Me Time!

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner and all the hype about buying that special something for that special someone, it got me thinking about something.  There’s Mother’s Day for us Mothers where we are obligated to spend (yet another) day with our offspring, albeit on this day most of us usually don’t have to cook breakfast, but very often are left with the washing up.  Birthdays, once again, are spent enjoying the day with all and sundry; Christmas is again a family affair, as is Easter and pretty much every one of the other 120 public holidays.   Women’s day is the one day that we don’t need to share with the ENTIRE family but then that’s only because no-one really takes that day too seriously.  So unless you want to stand in the freezing cold with 10 000 other women at the start of the ladies race, the 9^th of August pretty much comes and goes in the normal blur of household and familial chores - the only difference is that if you're a working mom who have the bonus of not having to go to work !

So I’m just wondering when is it “Me Day”?  Now if I posed this question to my husband, he would say every day is “Me Day” and he wouldn’t be referring to himself as the “me” but rather Moi!  Nevertheless, I want to know on which day of the year do I get to stop being a Mother, Daughter, Class Rep, Employee, Chef, Lawyer, Arbitrator, Gardener, Professional Shopper, Teacher, Coach, etc etc.  When do I get to spend a day just being Bernadette?  Doing things JUST for Bernadette?

When do I get to lie in and not worry about making sure 3 other people have eaten breakfast, brushed their teeth and put on clean underwear?  When do I get to spend a day leaving my clothes on the floor (ok, I do that now, but with a tremendous amount of guilt because I know it bugs the crap out of The Husband), when do I get to leave the lid off the toothpaste, marmite jar, milk bottle and deodorant (again, sans guilt!)

When do I get to spend a day worrying only about whether I should have left-over pizza or a few olives from the packet for breakfast?  Whether I should bother putting my pajama top on for the day, or even my pajama bottoms on for that matter?  A day when brushing my teeth is about as unimportant as brushing my hair.  A day where I can pick my nose or toes (if I wanted to), lie in bed and scroll through facebook albums laughing at how much older my younger friends look than I do and watch episode after episode of mindless tv – all guilt free.

I want a day where I don’t have to worry or think about anyone but myself. I want a day where I don’t have to answer anyone but the voices in my own head and even then the chances of them being answered are pretty slim. 

I bumped into a friend and fellow blogger recently - at the coffee machine at the Dr's office - where else would 2 tired moms meet!!! While chatting to her I realised two things; she is just as hysterically funny in real life (her blog www.lumpyporridge.blogspot.com is literally laugh out loud funny) AND I am not alone in wanting to hide away from my kids every now and then.  At one point she mentioned that she would rather wee in a vase than venture out her room to go to the toilet which would instantly alert her 3 offspring that the mommy was in the building!  I could relate to that… although I have never thought to wee in a vase.  I have always tried to sneak past them like a spy... but like my friend says, they can smell you... kids can smell their mamma's from a mile away and if you make the mistake of venturing into that 1 mile radius... well good luck to you - that's the end of "Me Time!" 

Now don’t get me wrong, none of this means I don’t enjoy being a Mother, Daughter, Wife, Chef, Class Rep. Teacher, Coach, Lawyer etc… it’s just that every now and then I’d like to connect with my good old friend Bernadette every now and then and see how she is doing.  Most of my day/Week/Month/Year is spent making sure that  I am meeting the job requirements of all the other roles I fill that I forget to spend a little bit of time with Me!

But then again… last week I went to dinner and a show on Wednesday, a friend and I had a gossip session and drinks on Thursday night, it was movie day on Friday with a couple of moms and I met a friend for coffee on Saturday!  None of these events involved kids, fighting, cooking or cleaning up afterwards AND I certainly didn’t need a gun to my head to do them!  The Husband thinks this constitutes “Me time”.. but meeting and socialising with friends is a necessity not a luxury – its something that must get done, ideally every day…

No, ME TIME, is a weekend away at a spa or hotel where I don’t have to cook, clean, arbitrate, or negotiate… ME TIME is where I don’t have to think for anyone but myself and can leave clothes on the floor and lids off the toothpaste (guilt free), where I don’t have to answer question after question about what we are going to do during every minute of the day. 

Me time is all about, well ME….

Unfortunately Life is full of Dumb people just waiting to ask a DUMB Question

I have no patience when it comes to dumb people. There are people in this world who need a filter permanently attached to their mouths to prevent them from saying dumb things.  Just like life is too short to be friends with ugly people, life is way too short to have to engage with dumb people.

What got me thinking about this was the tail end of a conversation I heard on the radio recently. I think it was a comedian who was saying he can’t understand why the person sitting next to him on the plane will ask him where he is going too.  He’s like, well, we’re on the same plane BUT, my seat is going to eject somewhere over Kimberley, while you continue on to Joburg!  That made me think of all the dumb things I have heard in my lifetime!  Here are some examples of what people say and the responses I’d like to give if I wasn’t so damn polite!

1.       “Are you getting Coffee?”  No, I’m actually going to the toilet, but I thought my coffee mug would be lonely at my desk, so I brought it with.

2.       “Is it raining outside?” No, I always carry a wet umbrella.

3.       “Did you get caught in the rain?” No, I ran through the sprayers outside, I like coming to work looking like a drowned rat.

4.       “Did you cut your hair?” (This is especially annoying when the length of your hair has gone from being at your waist to above your ears)    My hair is short?  WTF??

5.       Neighbour: “You going on holiday?”  No, I don’t like leaving my clothes at home during the day, so every morning I put them into suitcases and pack them into my car.  Same goes for the body boards, bikes and cooler box.

6.       Cashier: “Don’t you have 20c?” Yes I do, I just don’t want to give you my change, I like collecting change.  There is nothing better than a wallet bulging with a whole lot of coins.

7.       (You bump into a friend in the Doctor’s consulting rooms) Friend: You here for the Doctor? No, they have good coffee here and it’s free.

8.       Message on home phone: “It’s me; I’ll phone you on your cell.”

9.       (You bump into a friend at the movies) Friend:  “You watching a movie?” No, I just like the smell of popcorn, so I come here for my daily fix.

10.   “Did you break your arm?” No, I just woke up and my arm was immobilised in hard white plaster.

11.   (you bump into a friend at aftercare) “You picking up your child?” Nope, I don’t like mine at the moment; I’ve decided to see if there’s another better behaved child here I can take home instead.”

12.   ( I don’t smoke, but I’ve heard people say this when they see someone walking to the door with ciggies in their hand) “You going out for a smoke?” No, I’m going to see how many of these babies I can shove up my ass during the next 10min.

13.   Lady at the Fitting Rooms “Do you want to try these on?” No, I actually want to steal them.  I’m hoping to hide them in my bag once I close the curtain.

14.   “You running?” (While dressed in running shorts, shirt, an official race number and standing with 11 000 other people on the road at 5:00am) What, me Running?  No, I thought this was the queue for the Woolies summer sale.

15.   Receptionist “Are you here to see Dr XYZ?” No, it’s just hot outside and since you’ve got an air con, I thought I’d take a quick break in here.

16.   Colleague (who wants to talk about work while you are eating lunch at your desk - during lunch break.) “Am I disturbing your lunch?”  Yes, go away. 

17.   “Are you on the phone” (This said while the cell phone is glued to your ear and you are frantically explaining something to the person on the other end) No, I just like to keep the phone at my ear IN CASE someone phones, you idiot.

So next time you talk to me, THINK BEFORE you speak because one day, I’m going to remove my PPF (Polite Patience Filter) and tell you to stop wasting my freaking time!