It all started with a singing elf!

Let’s face it, we all tell our kids “white lies”… The tooth fairy exchanges money for teeth, Father Christmas brings presents, Mommy isn’t fat, she’s cuddly etc etc.  As parents, we also use these mystical figures to bribe and threaten our kids.  “If you don’t brush your teeth, the tooth fairy won’t give you very much money when they fall out” and “If you aren’t good, Father Christmas won’t bring you any presents”.  In our household we also use “elves” to keep the kids in check, especially around Christmas time.

It all started very innocently enough.  A year or two ago we were driving and the kids were fighting in the back (as usual).  While sitting at a robot, the kids suddenly screamed “there’s an elf, there’s an elf”.  And yes, there WAS an elf, disguised as a “street/robot performer”.  So, not one for letting an opportunity slip by, I said “Now you see… there are elves EVERYWHERE and they tell Father Christmas if you’ve been good.  So you BETTER stop fighting or he'll tell Father Christmas.” 

The Singing Elf

December rolled around and suddenly elves were everywhere – which to be honest really did work in my favour.  Elves were "watching" at the grocery store, in the malls, at the garage, at pretty much every robot...  my kids never had a chance to be naughty !  It was pure Bliss!

Anyway, Christmas came and went, Christmas presents were shoved in the cupboards and forgotten about... life moved on. 

However, one day in March we went to the Company's Gardens to feed the squirrels.  We were happily feeding the critters when all of a sudden the kids screamed "There's an elf... there's an elf".  WTF?  An elf in March... there was NO WAY I'd be able to convince my kids that elves were already out and about.  So I decided to investigate - secretly hoping it wasn't really an "elf".

But true as nuts it was.  There snoozing (recovering from a hangover) in the sun was a "homeless elf" - red hat and all.  Crap.  Besides explaining why elves were out this early, I also needed to explain why the elf looked the way he did.  Hungover. Homeless.  Sleeping with a Christmas Hat on.  Right!

So I lied - as only a mother can.  I explained (very quietly) that he was indeed an elf, BUT, he was lost (I'm pretty sure that the dude was "lost" in some way or another.)  I said that he was still trying to get home after Christmas, had clearly "lost his way" and was taking a nap.  The kids kind of bought my story, but then Josh suggested we wake him up and show him the way home.  At this point, I suggested The Husband show us the way home!!

So yes, I tell my kids lies... and I secretly cross my fingers each time I do and hope that I'm not doing any permanent damage.  I simply push back the image of a 20yr old Government Shuffler lieing on a therapist's couch oneday(Christmas Hat on Head) saying... "It all started with a singing elf at the robot ..."

Paaa Rum Pum Bloody Pum!

It's only 5 days to Christmas.. no wait, make that 40 days until a big fat jolly man dressed in an ill-fitting red suit tries to squeeze himself down 6 billion chimneys in 24hrs. I know its cliched to say that Christmas has lost its true meaning... but really, we are more than 5 weeks away from Christmas and already I am all "Christmassed out".  I'd like to find the little drummer boy and stick his drum so far up his stable that not even the 3 wise men will be able to find it - star or no star.

I planned on writing a post entitled "A Very Merry Home-Made Christmas" about my plans and reasons for making Christmas presents this year.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realised the REAL reason(s) behind why I'm taking a stand this year and not buying (literally) into the whole hoopla that is the festive season. 

For the last couple of weeks HeWhoCanDoNoWrong (HWCDNW) has been collecting and playing with empty boxes.  Old party pack boxes, cereal boxes, shoe boxes and even a huge big "moving" box that he found at school the other day!  Now I'm thinking why do I need to go out and buy some fancy expensive toy when for the last few weeks he hasn't looked at his 100 bakugans, his 5 ninja turtles, his Ben 10 watch, 1 million cars, blocks, bats, balls etc.  What I really should be doing is popping down to the delivery section of any major retailer and filling my boot with empty boxes.  I reckon that his presents could be sorted out in under 30 seconds and I won't even need to venture into a shop at all - BONUS!

I'm also not sure why most of us spend all year trying to loose weight "for summer" only to eat the equivalent of a weeks worth of food in one sitting. In general a fancy Sunday meal would consist of a roast chicken, potatoes and 3 veg.  Dessert would be ice-cream and if I've been particularly industrious, perhaps a baked chocolate pudding.  But come the 24th/25th of December, for some reason we think that our meal needs to consist of 3 types of meat, a vegetable in every colour, potatoes, rice, salad, tiny dinner rolls, stuffing, crackling and sauces in a variety of flavours...  We all say we'll eat the leftovers, but let's face it, there are only so many gammon sandwiches one can eat before you literally and figuratively start looking like Miss Piggy.

....and don't get me started on crackers - which if you think about it are really just toilet rolls filled with the biggest load of crap covered in shiny paper.  Oh yes, I forgot, it also goes "bang" if you pull the little piece of paper sticking out the end. Buying crackers also means that you get lumped with 8 ridiculous Christmas hats made from dyed crinkle paper... which on our sunny hot Christmas day means that half way through your meal you have bright red sweat running down your face. yip, all I wanted for Christmas for a red-stained face. 

Crackers!  Why on earth do we pay over R100 for wrapped up whistles, miniature playing cards (WTF must one do with those), spinning tops, fake teeth and a bunch of jokes that seriously only losers find funny.

I need to take a break now because my blood is beginning to boil and my heart is racing and I haven't even got to Christmas Lists yet..... 

To be continued........

Oops I did it Again!

A year ago I bravely wrote about how I bunked the annual school sports day and spent the morning breakfasting with my FriendWithALife(FWAL).  It was then that I decided that I am involved enough at the school and I REALLY don’t need to spend the whole day at a Sports Day to show I’m a good mom – I had a life after all.

I also bragged about the fact that there was “no way in hell” I would ever be a class rep again.  It’s a thankless job and as a working mom, I really can’t do it effectively (not that there’s a whole lot to do but anyway……)  So I am proud to announce that this year I wasn’t a class rep – I was a CLASSES REP.  Yes, I was the class rep for BOTH my children’s classes. Does one get a bigger sucker than me?  My FWAL would answer -  "Hell, no!"

But how could I not?  I mean we all know the awkward silence that follows when the teacher says “.. And now onto the last point on the agenda - class reps!” Suddenly every mommy needs to check her cell phone, bag, the moon outside, the lint on her shirt, pretty much ANYTHING.  A deathly silence descends. The teacher looks pleadingly at each mommy.  The mommies look pleadingly at each other.  The Daddies look.. oh yes, there are no daddies there, these meetings are usually only attended by the mommies!  So after 10 hours of painful silence, I crack and admit defeat -  “OK OK I’ll do it, I’ll do it... stop torturing us with the silence!”  And at that moment the other 17 moms (clearly all torture-proof ) look at each other, smile and mouth “sucker!”

In my defence I became the Grade 0 rep by chance – the teacher chose the kindest, nicest, most willing, prettiest mom (well that's what I tell myself anyway).  My FWAL is happy to shatter this illusion by telling me straight that the teacher simply chose the biggest sucker. It's at times like this that I wonder why I'm friends with her?? But then again, we all need friends who keep things real.

But back to being a class rep.  I didn’t think it would be a problem because the Grade 2 teacher announced proudly that there would be “No Mother’s Day Tea” this year. 

At our school the Mother’s Day tea is a big fundraiser.  Each Class (i.e. class rep) gets to organise a table – it’s a super grand themed affair.  But like most things, it gets a bit competitive and each table needs to be bigger and better than the next.  With about 60 tables in the running, you can just imagine the lengths some moms go to.  In the end, decorating the table becomes the class's (read: class rep's) responsibility and historically decorating a table costs about the same amount as feeding a medium size family for a year and I'm not that keen on investing in "another family"!  But with the tea out of the picture, the whole class rep thing seemed pretty doable and relatively inexpensive.

2 of the GORGEOUS tables at the 2010 Mother's Day Tea

I sailed through 3 terms relatively stress free terms.  Apart from 1 kitchen tea, 2 birthday parties, a Grade 0 fun day and 2 cake sales, I was managing just fine.  THEN I received a note that all class reps must attend a Sports Day Meeting – WTF?

As luck would have it - I mean this is ME after all, my group of moms got tasked with co-ordinating the refreshment table.  And "refreshments" - I discovered -  involved a whole lot more than just getting hold of (AND SELLING) a million and 1 cold-drinks.  "Refreshments", I learnt included tea, coffee and hot chocolate (and all the paraphernalia that goes with that.. sugar, spoons, cups etc), it's iced tea, it's water, it's juice boxes and ice lollies that need to stay FROZEN for a good part of the day. Man, did I luck out on this one!

But this gets better.  At the first meeting, I said that I could bring a table and perhaps ask one of the teachers for a camping fridge.  So it looked like I was involved... but I wasn't involved INVOLVED.  Any hoo... a few days later I get an email and I discover I am tasked with ... FINDING A COLD-DRINK SPONSOR/SUPPLIER AND ORGANISING DELIVERY AND COLLECTION OF THE 1 Million and 1 COLD-DRINKS.  WTF??????? As I've said before, I must have been very very bad in a previous life!

But long story short - the cold-drinks got sorted (by some stroke of major luck I managed to get a huge sponsor and the whole refreshment table was organised!) So the lady who was co-ordinating our group was so impressed with me, she said I didn't have to do anything else.... I had done enough!!  (Technically all I had done was send an email, but I wasn't about to protest)

However, this year, instead of being able to nip away and breakfast all morning - I had to work at the damn table.  So I sent my FWAL an sms asking if she'll do a shift with me.  Her response " #$%^ off".  So I said "please, I have to work a shift - let's just do a shift together".  her response - "Talk to the hand".  So I replied I'd buy her breakfast if she worked the freaking shift with me... She finally agreed.  In fact I hadn't specified what "breakfast" entailed and I had half a mind to just buy her a pancake from one of the stalls.... but I didn't!

So ja, I've learnt my lesson.  I really have.  I can honestly say "I will NEVA volunteer to be the class rep again".  I've even enrolled in a "Silence Handling" class so that next yr when the teacher uses her special silencing skills at our meeting, I won't succumb - yes, folks next year I'll be one the moms mouthing "SUCKER"!

An Attitude of Gratitude!

For a while there I thought the Universe was out to get me.  I don’t really enjoy my job, my knees hurt, I need to lose about 20kg, I feel cramped in my house, I wish we had a pool, there’s no time to go to gym, my kids fight, I never have time to blog….. I’m a nice person dammit!  Throw me a bone once in a while, Universe!

I took a “personal day” yesterday.  Which when you work for yourself, really just means a day without getting paid, but I needed to just spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself.  I did just that for all of 2hrs.  Then a colleague from work said that I should follow my own advice and read a few pages from “The Secret”.  I am a huge fan of “The Secret” and am always telling everyone to just put things out there and everything will work out.  Yet, I don’t always follow my own advice.

So I took out my book, randomly opened it up and read 5 pages (as instructed by my friend).  What I read (obviously) was EXACATLY what I needed to hear. I immediately took a big girl pill (not my daily “happy pill” mind you), put on my big girl panties (figuratively and literally) and faced the world – and by world, I mean I went to Café Rossini for a Latte and their delicious cheesecake!

But nevertheless, I decided to put an end to my pity party, because after all, I was the only one there and how much fun is a party for one?  I decided to make a list of the things I am grateful for…. (Part of what I read yesterday was on Gratitude – I can blog about this at length…. But I’ll leave that for another time.)

So to start of my journey of having an “Attitude of Gratitude” here are a few things I am grateful for:

My Family:  The kids might fight, BUT at least I have kids – There are many child-less women out there who would love to hear the sound of fighting kids.

The Government Shuffler and HeWhoCanDoNoWrong

My Husband: He puts up with all my crap and even though there are times when I say he does "Nothing" - he and I both know he does "EVERYTHING" and more!

The patient Husband and I

My Job:  At least I have one. AND…. It’s beyond beyond flexible – I have the kind of flexibility any working mom would give her packed lunch for.

My Health:  My health might involve carrying a few (ok more than a few) excess kgs, BUT I am relatively healthy – apart from my crappy knees.

My Knees:  While they are crappy and hurt – at least I am able to walk (even if with a little bit of pain).

My House: It might not be a mansion, but it keeps us all safe and warm and let’s face it – a smaller house is FAR easier to keep clean and tidy!

So for now I am going to focus less on what I don't want and don't like and focus more on what I do want and do have.

This blog is dedicated to my two very special colleagues who created an inspirational space for me to work in when I came back to work today!