The Motherhood Totem Pole

Motherhood is hard. I'm not going to lie.

Let me just start by saying I love my children very much and am so glad that they are in my life – it’s just that every now and then, I wish I could briefly “return” them in exchange for a few minutes of peace and quiet. 

As a mother, your needs are relegated to the bottom of the totem pole.  In fact, they don’t even see the light of day and make up the underground part of the pole - and as you know, the underground part of the pole is the stable grounded force that keeps the whole damn thing from falling over.  In fact, the deeper the pole is embedded into the ground, the stronger the totem is.  A Mother's needs get buried deep under homework, laundry, dishes, play dates and groceries in order to make the rest of the totem pole (a.k.a The Family) strong. 

Now I know I have a lot to be thankful for and that there are many childless women out there who would happily be at the bottom of the totem pole if it meant having kids.  But at this particular point in time, this is my reality and my reality is taking its toll! Every now and then I’d like to see what’s happening above the ground!

I bumped into a friend (and fellow blogger) recently and in the 30 seconds that we chatted I managed to achieve 2 things: Firstly, I completely ruined her day by telling her she looked exhausted (as the mother of 3 kids under 3… I guess that’s to be expected, but I’m sure she doesn’t need to be constantly reminded that she looks like she’s functioning on autopilot). 

Secondly,  her exhausted face and a comment she made, became the inspiration for this blog, because I realised then, that I am not alone… There is  a whole army of tired moms out there who are plodding through life, putting off dreams, wearing yesterday’s clothes and facing each day with a smile (often with the help of some meds) in order to raise what will hopefully one day be happy, well-adjusted productive members of society.

Anyway, my blogger friend agreed that she was tired and then proceeded to tell me that the only reason why she was working (in addition to raising 3 young children), was so that she could afford to build her own treatment facility one day.  Because it was either a treatment facility that she had some input in designing or the state run Valkenberg Psychiatric hospital!  Oh boy, could I relate! (her fabulously funny blog can be found at: www.lumpyporridge.blogspot.com)

But how does a mom ever “win” ? The vicious cycle of motherhood is that if you don’t work, you get bored, life revolves around the kids, you become stagnated and moan all day about the “career you might have had!”.  However, if you are a working mom, you are stressed, life revolves around deadlines (yours and the kids), you never seem to have enough time and you moan all day about “how when you grew up, your mom didn’t work and it’s unfair that you have to.” Aaarrrgghhh!

Even though I work a very very (very) flexible day and am in a position that any working mother would envy – I’m not particularly happy!  I am not living my passion and that is stressing me out.  But on the other hand, I receive an income, I have really flexible working hours, I come and go as I please, there is very little stress involved, I can work from home – there really isn’t any reason to complain.  Yet, I still do?  Is it perhaps just a woman thing?  A mom thing? 

I think our “moaning” isn’t really moaning at all, but just a desperate need to have someone acknowledge and validate that we do a shit load in 24hrs.  As involved as The Husband is, I don’t think he realises what stresses me out isn’t the BIG things, like dinners, getting the kids to school on time, Homework etc etc.  It’s the “little things”: like remembering to pick up the hockey uniform that arrived 10 days ago, faxing off an application for chronic meds (I’ve had the script in my bag for 8 months), signing the excursion indemnity form, play date collection times, undone hems, Friday tuckshop money , informing after-care that the kids won't be there and myriad of other mundane things that crop up ALL THE TIME.  It’s the little things.

I think when moms “moan” in the parking lot after school, it’s not so much that they are complaining; more that they are hoping to find a kindred soul who can identify with forgetting to order the school diary, give cake sale money and perhaps must also still collect last year’s concert photos from the secretary!!