First step to getting a Tattoo: Admit you don't know Jack Sh#t

I’ve never pretended to know anything about getting a tattoo or the like, but it became  glaringly obvious that I really and truly know nothing about the process when I went to enquire about a tattoo over the weekend.  In fact, I was so sure it was a simple procedure that with my camera woman in tow (my 7yr old government shuffling daughter), I headed to the tattoo parlour to “get inked”.  I very soon made my FIRST (and not last) mistake.

My camerawoman wasn’t even allowed inside!  Did you know it is illegal (ILLEGAL) for anyone under the age of 16 to go into a tattoo parlour and I don’t mean to the back where they do that tats, just stepping over the threshold can get you fined! Anyway…. with the government shuffler now posted like a sentry outside the store…. I ventured in!

There I proceeded to make mistake number TWO.  I stupidly asked how much a tattoo costs; I even added “more or less” to make it easy for her to give an estimate.  Well, I shouldn’t have even bothered… because the cost depends on the size, shape, colour, texture, length, my maiden name, country of birth and level of ignorance (Mine was clearly going to cost a Foooooortune!) 

So, I spoke a little slower and tried to explain that could she just give me an indication of what a simple, small, non-coloured,  little tattoo would cost “more or less”…. !  So then she asked to see my picture – enter mistake number THREE.

Picture?  Uhmm… nope, I thought they would have a catalogue I could peruse – clearly I was wrong.  Another sigh, tap tap on the p.c. and she showed me some pics, thanks to the wonders of Google, I saw a sample of what I would like “more or less” and she was able to quote me “more or less”. 

I had to wonder though how hard that was to do in the first place but anyway! But I wasn’t going to argue with a woman who might soon be repeatedly sticking me with a needle for an extended period of time…. In this case, the best reaction was NO REACTION!

I still wasn’t done – I had to show them that I was REALLY (REALLY) dumb and asked if there was any particular place that was more sore than another (Mistake number FOUR). Once again with eyes rolling I was told each person was different, no place was “more sore” but if she was forced to say (one would swear I was holding a gun to her head and periodically dunking her head under water), then she would have to say a women’s lower back is the most sensitive area…. But she very quickly added that she has a major big design there herself…. So clearly, it wasn’t actually “that” bad (well either that or she’s just a bad ass Bee with an Itch). Well, I wasn’t planning on having mine on my lower back anyway – so I guess I’m in the clear.

Since things are best done in 5’s, I had no choice but to make FIVE big mistakes, so I asked how long it would take and could it all be done at once or is it done in stages…. Well, this was clearly my most pathetic question because for this one she needed to bring in a visual aid and called some inked up dude who was hovering close by and asked him to lift his shirt and show me his “ribs” and by “ribs” I actually mean big fat beer belly!  I think there was a design of sorts, I didn’t want to stare to long, for fear of going blind, but she said that was all done at once… well why wouldn’t it have been – no-one would want to have to look at that TWICE!  But I got her point.

So I didn’t get my tattoo. I now need to find a pic, email it to her, she will scale it, then she’ll quote me, then I must make an appointment (yes… I can’t just walk in like I thought) and then “all at once” I can get my tat, oh and the “government shuffler” must stay behind, but hopefully the designer beer-belly will be there to document the process. 

I realised the tattoo business isn’t big on Customer Service, perhaps they are used to people coming in knowing what they want or their particular clientele don’t really have a big need for relationship building – hygiene and a steady hand are probably higher priorities, who knows?

So while I still don’t have a tattoo, what I do know for sure (forgive me Oprah) is “Been there, Done that, Don’t Know Jack about the Tattoo Industry!”